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" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

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" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "