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" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "
Erma Bombeck
You
Want
Mother
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" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "
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" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "
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" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
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" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "
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" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "
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" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "
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" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "
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" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "
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" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "
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" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "
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" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
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" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "
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Out
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" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "
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Some
Than
" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "
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Water
Mother
Only
" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "
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Jogging
Only
" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "
Erma Bombeck
Fame
Confuse
Success
" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "
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Home
Know
You
" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "
Erma Bombeck
Mother
Infinite
White
" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "
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Looking
Live
Go
" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "
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Medical
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Club
" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "
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Three
Dog
Strength
" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "
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Home
Hurt
Work
" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "
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Clothes
Society
Copy
" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "
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Goes
Humor
Civilization
" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "
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Look
" Never have more children than you have car windows. "
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Windows
" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "
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" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "
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