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" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

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" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Children make your life important. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "

" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" In strictly medical terms, there's no difference between HIV and diabetes; they're not curable, but they're very, very highly treatable, and early information is power. The only thing - literally the only thing - that is different is the stigma. And we have to overcome it, because it is now the only reason people are dying. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" The greatest evil is physical pain. "

Saint Augustine

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians. "

Alexander the Great