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" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

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" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "