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" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

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" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" Children make your life important. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "