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" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

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" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" Children make your life important. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "