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" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

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" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "