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" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

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" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "