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" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

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" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" Children make your life important. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "