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" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
Steven Wright
Funny
Included
Some
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" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "
Chevy Chase
Funny
Pets
Personality
" The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. "
William Feather
Reward
Thrift
Funny
" The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant. "
Ron White
Know
Laugh
Hands
" We actually found some home videos, some really funny footage of me when I was around 3 years old. I come up to the camera to do a Nixon impression. I don't know who taught me that, but I come up to the camera and said, 'I am not a crook.' I got a really good laugh. You see me register that bringing joy to people is a positive thing. "
Annaleigh Ashford
Positive
Good
I Am
" I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. "
Brittany Snow
Girl
Good
Relationship
" I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society. "
Johnny Depp
Brain
Society
Me
" I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink. "
Karl Lagerfeld
" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "
Jerry Seinfeld
World
Not Interested
Live
" I am interested in shows that are not out-and-out gag fests: you see the truth of a broken heart behind them. That is what life is like: it's really funny, you see funny things as soon as you step out of the room, but underneath that is a whole bag of broken hearts. It's that real pain and that real hilarity that makes life so intriguing. "
Tamsin Greig
Broken
Truth
Funny
" A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. "
David Brenner
Vegetarian
Children
Eat
" I think serial monogamy says it all. "
Tracey Ullman
I Think
Says
Think
" I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. "
Charles Darwin
Love
Always
Fools
" In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. "
Rosie Perez
Step
Me
Funny
" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "
Steven Wright
Fight
Same
Room
" It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' "
Garrett Hedlund
Look
Funny
Face
" If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. "
Clint Eastwood
Buy
Guarantee
You
" Some call-in moderators are neutral and courteous. Then there's Rush Limbaugh, who is funny and pompous and a scapegoater and hatemonger. His popularity could cause you to draw some terrible conclusions about the state of mind of the American people. It helps to remember that Bill Cosby is popular, too. "
Donella Meadows
People
Mind
Funny
" Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. "
James Thurber
Right
Funny
Too
" I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. "
Jack Benny
Funny
Either
Deserve
" I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny. "
Lorrie Moore
Funny
Dinner
Table
" I am the shortest and least funny person in my family. "
Heather Donahue
Least
Person
Am
" There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. "
Tom Stoppard
Know
You
Funny
" It's funny: When I first heard they were thinking of me for the president in 'Independence Day,' I just assumed it was a comedy - I didn't exactly think of myself as leader-of-the-free-world material. "
Bill Pullman
Day
Think
Myself
" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
Steven Wright
Think
Nobody
Nobody Cares
" I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I'm big fan of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day. "
Matthew Lillard
People
Truth
Think
" It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. "
Thomas Sowell
Realize
Funny
Ignorance
" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
Steven Wright
Someone
Good
Hard
" To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong! "
Chad Michael Murray
Sexy
You
Wrong
" It's a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. "
Alan Alda
Funny
You
Children
" It's funny. You travel all over the world, and you wind up with a guy from your hometown. "
Patty Smyth
You
World
Wind