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All Quotes by author - Steven Wright
" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "
" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "
" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "
" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
" How young can you die of old age? "
" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "
" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "
" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "
" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
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