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" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
Steven Wright
Think
Nobody
Nobody Cares
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" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "
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" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "
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" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
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Someone
" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
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Hand
Night
Will
" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
Steven Wright
School
Know
Home
" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
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Friend
My Friend
I Can
" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "
Steven Wright
No Sense
Young
Time
" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "
Steven Wright
Born
Television
End
" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
Steven Wright
Become
Laugh
People
" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "
Steven Wright
Say
Attention
Day
" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "
Steven Wright
Fight
Same
Room
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
Steven Wright
People
Live
Apartment
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
Steven Wright
Think
Life
Looking
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
Steven Wright
Home
Car
Message
" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
Steven Wright
Time
You
Distance
" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
Steven Wright
Speed
Dark
OK
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
Steven Wright
Me
Time
Mother
" What a nice night for an evening. "
Steven Wright
Evening
Night
Nice
" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "
Steven Wright
Body
Death
Die
" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
Steven Wright
Instant
Know
Time
" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "
Steven Wright
Know
Reminisce
People
" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
Steven Wright
Door
You
Yes
" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
Steven Wright
You
Park
Place
" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "
Steven Wright
Mirror
Funny
Think
" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "
Steven Wright
People
Think
Saying
" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "
Steven Wright
Then
You
Succeed
" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "
Steven Wright
Work
Hard Work
Success
" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "
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Me
Myself
Doing
" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
Steven Wright
Small
Paint
World
" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
Steven Wright
Me
Just
Here