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" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
Steven Wright
Someone
Good
Hard
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" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "
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" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "
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" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
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" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "
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" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "
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" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "
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" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
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" I'm addicted to placebos. "
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" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
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" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "
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" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "
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" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "
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" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "
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Temperature
Room
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" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "
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" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "
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" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
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Me
" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "
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Life
Humor
Head
" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "
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Live
Far
Forever
" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "
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Writing
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" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "
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" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
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" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
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" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
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Hand
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" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "
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Like
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Talk
" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
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You
Running
Doing
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
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Going
You
Would
" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
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Guy
Off
Talk
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
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Dead
End
Got
" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "
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" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "
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Time
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