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" Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. "
Demetri Martin
Sometimes
Music
Building
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" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "
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" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "
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" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "
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" I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. "
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" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "
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" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "
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" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "
Demetri Martin
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" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "
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" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "
Demetri Martin
Game
Busy
Me
" To me, comedy is a game. "
Demetri Martin
Comedy
Me
Game
" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "
Demetri Martin
Girl
Love
Pet
" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "
Demetri Martin
Holder
Balloon
Breath
" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "
Demetri Martin
Think
Thought
Walk
" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "
Demetri Martin
Deathbed
Man
" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "
Demetri Martin
Feedback
I Can
Think
" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "
Demetri Martin
Church
You
School
" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "
Demetri Martin
Like
Mind
Never
" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "
Demetri Martin
Great
Us
Digital
" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "
Demetri Martin
Keep
Like
Songs
" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "
Demetri Martin
Internet
Every Day
People
" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "
Demetri Martin
Two
Basic
Comedy
" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "
Demetri Martin
Choose
Building
Time
" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "
Demetri Martin
Government
College
History
" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "
Demetri Martin
Win
Wonder
You
" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "
Demetri Martin
Lady
Scale
Said
" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "
Demetri Martin
Long
Story
Doing
" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "
Demetri Martin
Drunk
He
Persuasive
" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "
Demetri Martin
I Love
Love
Short
" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "
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Far
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" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "
Demetri Martin
Said
Wearing
T-Shirt