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" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

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" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "