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" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

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" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "

" Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "