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" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

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" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" We must be willing to pay a price for freedom. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "