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" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

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" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. "

" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "