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" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

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" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" The cynics are right nine times out of ten. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "