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" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

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" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "