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" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

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" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. "

" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on. "

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "