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" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

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" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "