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" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

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" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "