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" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

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" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "

" For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. "