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" If she's not spoken for, and you come at her correctly, like a man, she'll get with you. "

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" There's ups and downs of any job. If you worked at the post office, there's ups and downs. You have your good days, and you have your bad days. If you're a housewife, you have your good days, and you have your bad days. "

" I don't see myself as angry, although other people see that. I just see myself as a short, dumpy guy with bad feet, and I'm passionate. "

" I don't control the line of 'funny,' 'funny,' 'funny,' 'not funny.' "

" I have a nice following in Boston. The Boston crowd is very hip. "

" I just want to be funny, I just want to do comedy. "

" I got five kids - I claim three for income tax purposes. "

" No matter what, if my son was gay, I'd treat him like a king. "

" Martin Lawrence is one of my comedic heroes, and he's a genius. "

" They say that every Jewish person is supposed to love one black person in his life. I'm glad Lorne Michaels chose me. "

" I've still got family members living below the poverty line in New York. "

" If I gamble, I'll play roulette. My wife and I will play roulette, and that's about it. I'm not a heavy gambler. "

" I don't need no stool and mike stand. I don't need all of that to be funny. I've been funny my whole life. This is a gift God gave me. I spread love wherever I'm at. I'm like Marvin Gaye. "

" People walked out on Richard Pryor and he's the funniest man alive. "

" My older brother was born, who was a cripple, then I was born, and my sister was born, the only girl. So I was between the only girl and the crippled guy. I was the middle guy. "

" Stand-up don't get no respect - it's the hardest thing to do in show business. You don't have no band and there's no music. "

" God gave us dreams, but he gave us kids to make all those dreams worthwhile. And when I look at all my kids, I say everything that I've ever went through in my life was worthwhile. "

" So I think all comedians are earning their wings into heaven. We're all going to heaven, but everybody's not going to get their wings. Some people are just going to be regular angels. Doing cleanup, janitor work. In heaven, I'm going to sit on the couch with Oprah. "

" When you see me on the street, act like you know me. "

" Where I came from, people couldn't afford to go to the theatre. "

" I'm no Jerry Seinfeld. I wasn't raised with some backyard with a creek and trees and all that. "

" I'm a big, big movie fan. I watch 'The Ten Commandments' and the original 'Planet of the Apes' every night. "

" I don't believe in storks. I know they don't deliver babies; they deliver pickles. "

" I love my mother. My mother made sure, her stubbornness - she made sure we was going to eat. She made sure we had Christmases. That was my mother. My father wasn't there for that. "

" It's like going to the zoo when you come to my house. I have snakes, three sharks, moray eels, piranhas, five scorpions and a bird spider. "

" Whenever I perform, people get me because I'm talking about things that people can identify with and relate to. I'm not just up there doing jokey, jokey, joke. "

" Anybody who's lived in the ghetto knows that you don't move during the daytime. Here's why: You don't want anyone to know you're leaving, and you don't want anyone knowing where you're going. "

" I know how bad bullying can hurt. I was bullied when I was a kid. "

" My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality. "

" You can't hold me to the same standard as the president or a school teacher. I'm just a comedian. My job is like Archie Bunker. "

" All you single fathers got to man up. "