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" My life needs editing. "

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" I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad. "

Moon Unit Zappa

" I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself. "

" Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. "

Charles Kettering

" I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. "

" It's funny because I want my teeth to be, like, neon 'Real Housewives' white, but mine have stopped taking to teeth whitening. When I talk to my dentist, I'm like, 'They can be that white,' and he's like, 'Veneers can be that white.' "

Christine Teigen

" It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all. "

" 'Bridesmaids,' I think, opened up a door to allow women to show a bunch of different women in different ways of being funny. It was kind of like an arrival moment. "

" You win a race, the next race it's a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That's what is funny. But that's what is interesting. And that's what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time. "

Michael Schumacher

" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "

" It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. "

" I like Ben Stein. I think he's funny, creative, and an insightful commentator on a host of issues. "

" I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of. "

" If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. "

Abraham Lincoln

" Does it bother me that I'm attached to 'Three's Company' 30 years after? Not at all. All we were trying to do was be funny. How can I complain? That's all I wanted to do. "

" Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. "

" When you're eight years old nothing is your business. "

" I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society. "

" If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. "

William Lyon Phelps

" Although I have guitars all around, and I pick them up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It's just like, I write lyrics, and I make up songs, but I'm not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It's when you put all these things together - that makes me. "

George Harrison

" People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. "

" My father was always a straight-up funny guy. He was silly. He was my inspiration. "

" My eyes are different sizes, my nose is too broad at the bridge and squishes up when I laugh, and my lips are sorta funny when I smile. "

" After all is said and done, sit down. "

" The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said... it's scary you know? "

" We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species. "

" Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference. "

" Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be. "

" I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. "