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" I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad. "

Moon Unit Zappa

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" Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. "

Robert A. Heinlein

" My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. "

" I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path. "

" This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. "

" I never liked you, and I always will. "

" I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. "

" One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. "

Franklin P. Jones

" Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown. "

" James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. "

" I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary. "

" I was flying with my brother, and he challenged me to work out on the airplane. He thought it was funny - and I did it! "

" I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. "

Charles M. Schulz

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. "

" Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. "

" I'm thankful enough or blessed enough to be able to say that Miles Davis was a friend when he was alive, and he was a wonderful mentor and really, really funny, you know. "

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" I did 'Love's Labour's Lost' in the theater and found it to be riotously funny. "

Kenneth Branagh

" The funny thing about the people I don't like - they're very self-centered. "

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. "

" It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all. "

" My eyes are different sizes, my nose is too broad at the bridge and squishes up when I laugh, and my lips are sorta funny when I smile. "

" They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. "

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

" I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented. "

" That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. "