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" If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. "

Abraham Lincoln

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" Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as a heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors. "

Abraham Lincoln

" My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. "

" It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. "

" Be obscure clearly. "

" I believe this government cannot endure permanently, half slave and half free. "

Abraham Lincoln

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. "

" Everybody complains about getting older, but I find it such a rich time of life. There are negative things about it, I suppose, but more than that, I'm finding it to be a very positive experience in which growth suggests itself in a much more alluring way than it did when I was young - isn't that funny? "

" At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? I answer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. It cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide. "

Abraham Lincoln

" Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn't enough anymore. "

Milo Yiannopoulos

" Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children. "

Michael Morpurgo

" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "

W. Clement Stone

" I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. "

" These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people; and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people's money to settle the quarrel. "

Abraham Lincoln

" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "

" It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. "

" Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. "

" I do not think I could myself be brought to support a man for office whom I knew to be an open enemy of, and scoffer at, religion. "

Abraham Lincoln

" James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. "

" I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff. "

" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "

" I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. "

" Towering genius disdains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored. "

Abraham Lincoln

" A cultural thing that is funny to me is that every time I go out in D.C. after a show, all the nightclubs and restaurants are owned by Iranians and Afghans. It's funny to me how we lost our countries but we gained the nightlife. "

" I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. "

" I used to write out of angst. My writing was quite miserable, quite angry, even when it was funny. It was based on this sadness and tired emotional disdain for the world. "