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" Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. "

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" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? "

" Confidence is something you're born with. I know I had loads of it even at the age of 15. "

" Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. "

" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "

" Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. "

" Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. "

" They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" It seems like everybody's perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance. "

" People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. "

" Is everything funny? For me, yes. There's a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there's something in there that'll make you laugh. "

" One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. "

" There's nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I'm nominated for an award - that is so funny to me. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. "

" Until I was about 14, I was a fat boy, or at least I looked like a fat boy. I think that being funny was a bit of a defence mechanism for me, so I ended up being a bit of a joker. "

" If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial. "

" It's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. "

Charles Kettering

" If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. "

" If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. "

" All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. "

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone? "