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" What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. "

Lewis Black

Love

Day

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" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

Lewis Black

Awake

Might

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

Lewis Black

You

Work

" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "

" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

Lewis Black

Art

Many

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

Lewis Black

Back

Big

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

Lewis Black

Hate

Woman

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

Lewis Black

New York

New