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" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "
Erma Bombeck
Carousel
Luggage
Never
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" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "
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" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "
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" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
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Doctor
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Never
" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "
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" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "
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Small
Someone
Dead
" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "
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" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
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" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "
Erma Bombeck
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Seriously
" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "
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" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "
Erma Bombeck
Never
One Thing
Out
" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "
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Windows
Car
Children
" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "
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Way
Back
Business
" Children make your life important. "
Erma Bombeck
Make
Children
Important
" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "
Erma Bombeck
Up
Try
Keep
" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "
Erma Bombeck
Your Body
Body
Food
" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "
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Husband
Wife
Birthday
" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "
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Goes
Humor
Civilization
" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
Erma Bombeck
Keeps
Gift
Giving
" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "
Erma Bombeck
Time
Home
Job
" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "
Erma Bombeck
Sick
Bed
Children
" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "
Erma Bombeck
Anything
Children
Eat
" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "
Erma Bombeck
Sometimes
Out
Design
" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "
Erma Bombeck
Gravy
Where
Food
" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "
Erma Bombeck
Young
Security
Old
" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "
Erma Bombeck
Mother
Infinite
White
" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "
Erma Bombeck
Prepare
Take
Thanksgiving
" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "
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Home
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Work
" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "
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Week
Anything
Go
" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "
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" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "
Erma Bombeck
Fire
Door
Smell