Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

Related Quotes:

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "