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" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

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" God created man, but I could do better. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "