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" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

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" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" Children make your life important. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "