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" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "
Erma Bombeck
Young
Security
Old
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" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "
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" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "
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" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
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" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "
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" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "
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" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "
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" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "
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" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "
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" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "
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" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "
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" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "
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" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "
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" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "
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" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "
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" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "
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" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "
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" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "
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" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
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" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "
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" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "
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" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
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" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "
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Charm
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" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "
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" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "
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" God created man, but I could do better. "
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" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
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" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "
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" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "
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" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "
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Copy