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" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "

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" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" I am two with nature. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "

" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "

" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "