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" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

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" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "

" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "

" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "

" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

" When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. "

" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "

" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "