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" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "
Woody Allen
Impossible
Experience
Death
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" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
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" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
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" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "
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" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "
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" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
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" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "
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" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
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" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "
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" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "
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" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "
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Parents
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
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Beverly Hills
Garbage
Television
" Marriage is the death of hope. "
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Marriage
Death
Hope
" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
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Horrible
Divided
Life
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
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Height
Team
Because
" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "
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Dessert
Drama
Meat
" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
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Numbered
Days
Why
" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
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Afraid
Want
Just
" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
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Look
Never
Been
" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
Woody Allen
Try
Finding
God
" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "
Woody Allen
Peace
War
Twenty
" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "
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You
Nothingness
Happen
" Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "
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Tradition
Illusion
" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "
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Money
Turn
Think
" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
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Humor
Funny
Think
" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
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Will
Want
Sick
" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
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Television
Life
Art
" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
Woody Allen
Opposition
God
Loyal
" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
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Education
Teacher
Teachers
" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
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Live
Want
Give