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" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "

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" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "

" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "

" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "

" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "

" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "

" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "

" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "