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" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

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" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "

" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "

" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "