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" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

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" I am two with nature. "

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" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

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" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "

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" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "

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" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

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" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

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" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

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" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "

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" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

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" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

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