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" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "

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" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "

" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "

" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "

" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "