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" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "
Woody Allen
Peace
War
Twenty
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" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
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" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "
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" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "
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" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
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" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "
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" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
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" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "
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I Am
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" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "
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Hit
Some
" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "
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Death
Down
Things
" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "
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Want
Achieve
Work
" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
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Try
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God
" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
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I Am
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" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
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Height
Team
Because
" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "
Woody Allen
Food
He
Why
" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "
Woody Allen
Pedestal
Wife
Place
" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "
Woody Allen
Now
Sign
Again
" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "
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" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
Woody Allen
Will
Want
Sick
" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
Woody Allen
Live
Want
Give
" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "
Woody Allen
TV
Them
Suck
" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "
Woody Allen
Two
Body
Fun
" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "
Woody Allen
Had
Love
Over
" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
Woody Allen
Education
Teacher
Teachers
" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
Woody Allen
Showing Up
Seventy
Life
" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "
Woody Allen
I Believe
Watching
Believe
" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
Woody Allen
Right
Show
Know
" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
Woody Allen
Humor
Funny
Think
" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
Woody Allen
Illusion
Everything
Nothing
" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
Woody Allen
Steal
Back
Go
" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "
Woody Allen
Death
Life
You