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" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

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" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "

" I am two with nature. "

" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "

" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "

" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "

" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "

" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "

" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "

" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "

" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "