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" The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout. "

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" If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself. "

" Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves. "

" Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread. "

" Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel. "

" Remember the poor, it costs nothing. "

" Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go. "

" There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them. "

" Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit. "

" Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb. "

" The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it. "

" The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. "

" One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can. "

" About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. "

" Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined. "

" Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe. "

" Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal. "

" Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. "

" One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs. "

" There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply. "

" There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. "

" There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. "

" Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does. "

" Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors. "

" Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at. "

" There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't. "

" No one can disgrace us but ourselves. "

" It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too. "

" You’d better not know so much, than to know so many things that ain’t so. "

" Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. "

" Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. "