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" You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. "

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" I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them. "

" I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian. "

" Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make. "

" There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game. "

" That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment. "

" I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them. "

" I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody. "

" When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off. "

" People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are. "

" The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name. "

" We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again. "

" I am happy that I ran the half-marathon, but to me, just running and saying that I finished a race isn't enough for me. I want to run the race as best as I can. Working out for pants size isn't enough. I need a goal or a race to get back on the treadmill every day. "

" I'm competitive at everything. "

" I am never out there just jogging for the heck of it. I never do that. I start to run with a goal in mind, whether it's a certain time or certain distance or a specific heart-rate goal, and then I am done. "

" Nothing's funny about someone who's successful. "

" George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do. "

" Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you. "

" I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?' "

" Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now. "

" I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet. "

" There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it. "

" After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine. "

" Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures. "

" If you're wearing a Bluetooth thing and you've got that thing on your belt, you are working for somebody else. You are not the guy in charge. That's a really good social status indicator. "

" I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it. "

" I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day. "

" If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist. That was my other dream job. "

" I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.' "

" The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them. "

" I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me. "