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" I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else. "

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" I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it. "

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" I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me. "

" The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can. "

" Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label. "

" I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.' "

" I learned how to believe in myself. Learned how to set goals, you know, self help books man. I just read every single one I can get a hold of, and I still do. "

" Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures. "

" When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games. "

" TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. "

" But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy. "

" The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job. "

" It doesn't matter how smart you are; to audition for 'Jeopardy,' you just have to luck out and know what they're asking you that day. "

" The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them. "

" People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are. "

" I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys. "

" I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day. "

" I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better. "

" Nothing's funny about someone who's successful. "

" The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time. "

" 'The Price Is Right,' it was an honor to be offered it because it's such an American institution. To be able to carry on this tradition with a show that has been on for so long, I thought it was a great opportunity for me. "

" I was just sick of being fat, you know? You get sick of it. It just really, it's a tiring lifestyle to have. "

" As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed. "

" But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do. "

" Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better. "

" Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with. "

" George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do. "

" When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot. "

" TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure. "