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" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "

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" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "

" Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself. "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base. "

" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

" Obviously comedic styles do change. "

" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous. "

" I have no secrets. "

" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" I'm cranky. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "