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" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

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" I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out. "

" My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver. "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. "

" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" I'm cranky. "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. "

" I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "