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" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

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" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "

" The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch. "

" I'm cranky. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" I don't have many friends. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad. "

" I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself. "

" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "

" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

" Most people think I'm immodest. "

" I have no secrets. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "